Get Cracking Collection
by NeonDomino
Summary: A collection of crack stories/pairings. [Chapter One] Lucius is horrified by his new neighbour, Dolores. [Chapter Two] Sirius knew Remus would never cheat on him. He just hadn't expected... this.
1. Chapter 1

**GET CRACKING COLLECTION**

 **Warnings for:**

 **Crack Pairings and/or Crack Situations**

* * *

Written for:

Love in Motion Challenge - Lucius/Umbridge

Jenga: Word - Expectation

Fishing Challenge - (Word) Brilliant - We live across the street from each other and you really need to get some curtains

Build Your Cube Challenge - Nightmare

* * *

 **New Neighbour**

Lucius/Umbridge

* * *

Lucius had paid no mind to the moving truck when it had appeared. It was merely a coincidence that it arrived moments before he had decided to go out and tend to his beautiful flowers that were growing in front of his house. And if they were facing the moving van that sat blocking the narrow street, well, that wasn't his fault.

Besides, it was important to make sure that whoever moved in was up to their standards. They were a very exclusive neighbourhood after all and their expectations were extremely high.

Finally, a car pulled up next to the van and a small woman got out. Lucius couldn't help but stare. She looked like a toad and had the most ridiculous bow balanced on the top of her head.

She looked around, a pleased expression on her face, before turning to meet Lucius' stare.

From across the street, he heard the girlish giggle that didn't suit the woman and he watched as she wiggled her fingers in a ridiculous wave.

He turned his attention back to his flowers, choosing not to look up until it was time to go inside. He didn't want to catch the woman's attention again.

...oOo...

Apart from the encounter with the neighbour, it had been a brilliant day. Draco and his fiance had been over for dinner. Unfortunately, the fiance was Harry Potter. Fortunately, Potter had brought over a bottle of delicious wine. Lucius focused on the happiness radiating from his son instead. Potter had his own money so he wasn't like the others who were looking at Draco like a meal ticket or an upgrade in their status.

Evening came quickly and Lucius switched on the lamp as the sun started to set, making the room dull. His fingers wrapped around the glass of whiskey and he raised it to his lips before reaching for a book.

A light switching on grabbed his attention and Lucius looked up. From where he was sitting, he could see straight into his new neighbor's house. That had never been an issue before. His previous neighbours had kept to themselves and not done anything scandalous.

But this woman turned to meet his gaze as though she knew he was watching her. She smiled widely and Lucius watched in horror as she slipped the shoulder of her horrible pink dressing gown down, revealing a bare shoulder. He was frozen in terror as the other shoulder went . She clutched the front against her body as though she was shy.

Lucius prayed she was shy.

He willed himself to move from his seat or to go and close the curtains but he was frozen… and the nightmare just continued.

The dressing gown dropped to the floor.

...oOo…

Lucius observed the ' _for sale_ ' sign in his front garden. He was not going to live with such an undignified neighbour. It brought down the value of the street.

He needed to sell before anyone else realised. He would find somewhere with neighbours that liked to keep their curtains closed. There was no way he could stay here now.

* * *

Review Please :D

518 words


	2. Not What It Looks Like! RemusChocolate

Written for:

Roald Dahl - Golden Factory - Write about Remus' love of chocolate. Ticket Prompts: Whimsical, Striped, Cultured, Majestic, Guarded, Charming, Inquisitive, Amuse, Lavish

Writing Club: Showtime - "Would you like to join us?"

Pardon Day - Write about forgiveness

Duelling Club: Sirius/Remus, Cardigan, Adorable

Love in motion: Crack: Remus/Chocolate

* * *

 **I will forever blame Lizzy for this :p**

* * *

"Not What It Looks Like!"

Dedicated to Raybe - my mind-twin. :p

* * *

Sirius clutched the small, striped gift-bag in his hand as he quietly opened the door of the flat. Remus was probably curled up with a blanket and a book as he tended to do in the afternoons and Sirius had finished work a little bit early for once and was glad to get an afternoon to cuddle with his love-bunny on the sofa and maybe engage in lots of cultured sex from the wonderful book James had gifted them. He had meant it as a joke, but Sirius was intent on working his way through every page.. He couldn't want to lavish his lover with attention for the afternoon, maybe even take him out to dinner afterwards. He was feeling quite whimsical after all, and recently had to hold back. But today was about doing something special for Remus. The attitude tended to amuse Remus, who went along with his sudden ideas and Sirius was feeling good about that afternoon.

Sirius hoped Remus liked the gift he had chosen. They were budgeting for their wedding but Sirius had gotten a bonus that day. Though most of the money went into the wedding fund, he had kept a little bit so they could treat themselves that day.

They had both had to cut back on the things they loved - books and chocolate and cardigans started to add up, and as for Sirius, he had to give up his gym membership and memberships to websites that Remus didn't approve of. It was all for the best though. After all, he could just look at his boyfriend naked. Porn just couldn't compare. Plus, it was for their wedding fund and there was nothing Sirius wanted more than to marry his adorable soulmate.

He gave his most charming smile as he walked into the living room, but the smile faded as he realised that Remus wasn't there. The blanket was flipped aside and a book sat on top of it, bookmark in place. So he had been sitting there recently, Sirius deduced, as Remus wouldn't leave his blanket messy like that if he was finished. Sirius made his way to the kitchen. Perhaps Remus was making a cup of tea?

The kitchen was empty and the bathroom door had been wide open when he walked past. Sirius brought his hand up to the side of the kettle but found it cold which was strange. It was rare Remus was without his constant cups of tea long enough for the water to get cold. He glanced at the cup on the counter, waiting to be made up and felt even more confused. He turned towards the bedroom. It was the only room that he hadn't checked yet, and began the walk up the hallway, almost tripping over Remus' cardigan in the process. He reached down to pick it up, before noticing Remus' t-shirt a few steps away. Remus' trousers, his socks…

Sirius felt like he couldn't breath as he reached for Remus' boxers that were just outside of the bedroom. His hands shook as he reached for them and he hesitated by the door. His inquisitive nature insisted he go into the bedroom.

Going in there could change everything and he wasn't sure if he wanted anything to change or if he should walk away and pretend he hadn't walked into their flat to find Remus' clothes all over the floor.

Walking into the room could mean the end of him and Remus. But could he walk away and spend the rest of his life not knowing who else was on the other side of the door? He knew without a doubt that he'd be suspicious of everyone in their lives. It would destroy them.

"You're such a tease, just like your name," Remus purred from the other side of the door.

Sirius stopped weighing his options and rushed into the bedroom. The gift-bag and clothes were still in his arms and his eyes found Remus.

Remus was leaning back against the pillows, an arm folded behind his head and a satisfied smirk on his lips as he brought a malteser to his lips. Sirius' eyes scoured the bed and he gasped, causing Remus to sit up, the smirk fading and his eyes widening at the sight of Sirius. He dropped the malteser on the bed.

"This isn't what it looks like," he said, grabbing the covers around himself with his free hand. "We just… we came in here for a nap and that's it!"

Sirius' eyes moved slowly over the various chocolate bar wrappers that littered the bed, before moving to the half-eaten bag of maltesers Remus was clutching protectively. He didn't miss how Remus referred to his chocolate as though it was an actual person.

Sirius knew it was insane, but his mouth was faster than his brain. "Are you having an affair… with chocolate?" he asked accusingly, angrier than he should have been. He knew that he should have been relieved that Remus didn't have another man (or woman) in bed with him but Sirius couldn't calm himself down. He couldn't be reasonable.

Remus' expression portrayed his guilt as he shrugged. "I wouldn't say an affair exactly. But i'm sorry, I should have told you the truth," Remus murmured, using the voice that soothed Sirius when Sirius was in a bad mood. "You know my heart belongs to you. It's just I need it."

"Why?"

"Because it makes me hot and I thought you'd be home in an hour, and…"

"Oh, so now you need chocolate to turn you on?" Sirius said, hoping Remus could hear how unhappy he was. His life was crashing down before his eyes. "Do I not turn you on anymore? Is that why you'd sully what we have?"

"Sully?" Remus whispered. "Not at all. Sirius, maybe it's time you learn to love chocolate as much as I do… why don't you come over here?" He patted the bed hopefully. "Would you like to join us?"

"I don't know if I should. The bed looks a little crowded," Sirius said, sulkily, dropping the clothes on the chair and clutching the gift-bag to his chest. He turned to leave the room but heard the sound of wrappers and glanced over his shoulder. Remus had thrown the cover back and was getting out of the bed and Sirius couldn't move. How could he tear his eyes away from Remus' body when it was so perfect.

The same body that now contained the evil chocolate that was trying to take his man.

"I have one bar left. It's not much, but how about I warm up the chocolate and drizzle it over you?" Remus murmured softly. "Then I can enjoy it and you can enjoy it."

Sirius couldn't speak. That sounded perfect, but agreeing meant that he couldn't storm out in a huff and that was one of Sirius' favourite things to do. He knew he had to stay guarded. If he let his guard down, Remus would win and that couldn't happen.

"And I know just where I want to pour it," Remus continued, his hands wrapping around Sirius' waist, reaching for his button on his trousers.

"I…" Sirius began, but quickly gave up. He didn't want to fight with Remus, he didn't want to be upset, and Remus didn't have another person in their bed. Plus, adding chocolate to their activities would certainly make things interesting. Sirius spun around and thrust the gift bag full of chocolate into Remus' arms. "You warm it up, I'll get naked," he insisted, deciding quickly to forgive Remus. After all, some fights weren't worth having with the love of his life. Not when they could be having a wonderful afternoon of amazing, chocolate covered sex.

Remus beamed at him and Sirius began to eagerly strip.

"But if we're going to make this a thing… you me and chocolate, just… just don't do it when I'm not around," Sirius insisted.

"Oh don't you worry, I've been imagining you and chocolate for a very long time," Remus replied, his gaze drifting over Sirius' body as more and more skin was revealed. Sirius smirked, knowing he looked majestic."I think from now on, I won't be able to eat chocolate any other way."

Sirius threw his boxers onto the floor and slid into the bed, knocking the remaining chocolate wrappers away. Maybe sharing Remus with chocolate wasn't such a bad thing after all.

* * *

Review Please :)


End file.
